After giving birth to a child every mother feels differently, some feel elated, some excited and others might just feel super exhausted. There are many things the birthing class and other mothers forget to tell you about the birthing experience... and boy is it an experience!
If you have faith that your childbirth experience is going to be something like a scene of Keeping Up with the Kardashians baby specials you are already ruined!
Imagine that you are lying on the bed with your feet’s up in the air, and there are few military commanders in white dresses standing around, who are yelling at you to push harder every second and you are like, if it seems that easy to you, why don’t you come and push here? Logic seems to slowly fade away from your consciousness as pain takes over your body and you transform into a living hulk with a mothers heart inside.
And as soon as you will be on the verge of giving up, your body will start feeling lighter by some magic, and you will not even realize that you have added at least +1 to the Australian population.
If you're having a C-Section then you skip all this drama in the birthing suite but your suffering begins and ends much later.
1 HOUR POST BIRTH
At the time of birth, your baby will be lifted up onto your chest for skin-to-skin contact. A midwife or doctor will inspect your perineum and vaginal wall to see if you have any tears that need repairing with stitches. If you have had a C-Section you have about 40 mins of stitching to get through before you can spend some time with your new baby.
You're lower region will be a mess and you will still look pregnant. In my experience, it's best not to look.
Once you have been checked out you're ready to breast-feed your baby. Breastfeeding might be difficult at first but, hey, look at the bright side at least you will never forget to bring your kid's lunch and will have a little less washing up to do.
4-6 HRS POST BIRTH
Now, after about 4-6 hours of giving birth and getting your baby back from the nurse, you can choose to stay back in hospital for few days under doctors supervision, or you can book the next Uber and go for shopping if you feel like it (make sure you take your BuggyCart™ in that case), obviously doctors wont recommend that and you will not want to move out of your bed for a few years.
Yes, your child will have his first selfie in this world, because let’s just be practical here for a moment, there has to be some image or video that needs to go up on social media platforms, otherwise how else do you think this world is going to know about this once in a lifetime event.
And if you are one of them millennial mums, your child might even have a social media presence as soon as they are born, they might not know who they are but may have 3,000 followers who do. Its sort of like an investment fund, get their profiles optimised and engaged so by the time they are 16 they have a million followers and can start selling protein powders and teeth whiteners in your bathroom.
12-24 HRS: As you can see here that both the images are an epitome of class and sophistication, and seems almost alike. It’s hard to tell which one of the two couples belongs to a royal family and which one is one of us, It has been mentioned over both images in bold fonts, that which one is a royal couple, so that people don’t get confused. You’re welcome!
No matter how you gave birth you're going to have a very heavy period so wearing white is highly risky. The nurses will make you wear giant thunderpads and tampons will not be suitable as a watermelon-sized object has just exited the region.
You will still be fat. Thankfully dear Megan didn't layer up on Spanx in this image and educated the world that unfortunately NO we are not 8 months pregnant again 20 hours after giving birth (or 4 years in my case).
You may be crying a lot. Megan looks refreshed however what does she have to cry about anyway? I recommend packing a concealer to touch up your puffy eyes in between visitors. If you are completely miserable to speak to the Doctor as its best not to let the Baby Blues drag on without supervision.
The toilet will give you nightmares and you are going to try to hold #2 in as long as possible. DONT!
Your husband will irritate you beyond belief. I call this mother natures contraceptive. It can last a few days, or for the rest of your marriage but it might be worth keeping him around as things will get tough and an extra set of hands will come in handy. Your porn-star boobs will offset your crazy hormonal demands so everyone works together in sweet harmony.
So there you go. What they don't tell you in birthing class. What have I missed? Chime in below.
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